You see, last year I had lost about 30 pounds and was at the healthiest I had ever been. Notice, I did not say the skinniest, but I was the healthiest. I exercised almost every day, I was toned and flexible, I was eating a healthy and well balanced diet, and I was proud of the way I looked. I had earned that body!
Then I got pregnant. I was bound and determined to be the healthiest I could be for those 9 months. But at 8 weeks I had to stop doing my high impact workout because I was so nauseous I couldn't eat, and if you can't eat then you don't have fuel to burn. I'd get lightheaded when I would bend down for Touch the Floors. So I'd walk some days, other days not just because it was so hot. It was a few months before I was able to eat right again. And by then I was halfway done with my pregnancy. I would try to workout those last few months, but that's when the sciatic nerve pain kicked in, my hips started popping like a 90 year old and it hurt like someone was breaking bones, and touching my toes was a thing of the past. It was hard to convince myself to get up and do a workout every day. And then I was chasing a 2 year old around the house, although that probably counted for some exercise! I will say I managed to do push-ups and weights a few times a week consistently.
It's not an excuse, it's just what happened. When I got pregnant, I had it in my head that I would be fit that entire pregnancy. The only thing I have going for me is that I gained the exact amount of weight I was supposed to. Yay, I guess?
So now, five months to the day after I had Baby Boy, I look in the mirror. For some reason my mind expects to see me where I was in May 2012. I had ab definition for the first time EVER. My shoulders and back were tone. My middle wasn't lumpy, I had curves where curves were supposed to be. And my stretch marks had finally faded. INSTEAD, I see a body I still don't recognize. My belly has this horrible roll that won't go away. It's gotten smaller, but it's still there. And there is this loose skin that I am afraid will never tone up this time. I'm finally seeing some tone in my biceps, but not what was there before. And I can't sit in a wall squat for a minute or more right now like I could in the past. I still remember keeping up with Tania "The Machine" in Insanity those last couple of months, but right now I can barely keep up with the people in the back who take breaks more frequently.
Food is another struggle. I had a really healthy diet last year when I lost that weight. I would stick to my plan and eat healthy 6 days a week and then enjoy my cheat day. Right now though, I'm breastfeeding an infant. I sometimes forget to eat enough, believe it or not. Then we get to 9pm when the kids are both in bed and I realize I am starving. So what are my choices? Not eat and risk my milk supply going down, or eat an hour or two before bed knowing that my body won't burn those calories so well. Of course I'm going to eat. And then there are days where the Terrible 2's attack the house, and Baby Boy is teething or just having a rough day, so dinner isn't as healthy as it should be because I just threw something in the oven or called my husband and said "hey I'm calling in some Chinese, can you pick it up on your way home?" Yeah I know, I need to get better at the crock pot. Working on it!
So my inner voice looks at the reflection and says "Well that's not right. Apparently I'm not eating well enough. Maybe I have my calorie intake too high. I must not be working hard enough. I should look better than this by now. Remember that chick on the pinterest board who posted that she was super fit six months after baby? Why am I not like that? Maybe if I do Insanity and then use that training app on my phone for 30 minutes, I'll get better progress" (trust me, that's not panning out so well. I just end up overtired the next day and don't want to do any exercise at all). Notice, my Inner Voice is kind of a Witch.
I'm working on improving. It's a constant struggle. It's a struggle against the mirror, the kids, and the food. But most surprisingly, it's a struggle against myself, and not like it was before. It's not the struggle to get up and pop in the DVD and start the workout. It's the struggle to realize that progress takes time. It's realizing that while some women lose all of their baby weight and get back in shape three months after their baby arrives, that's not the way I'm built and I'm going to have to work twice as hard and maybe twice as long. I have to remember that I grew a healthy baby for 9 months, and I'm nourishing him with this same body until he is a year old. I have to get enough to eat if I'm going to feed him, too. I will just say now that I AM going to get back to where I was before, and then I'm going to get even better. It's just going to take time. And while I can say that and I know it, I have to just keep reminding myself of why I don't look like the way I want right now. Part of my struggle is telling Inner Voice to shut it and eat her chocolate bar and leave me alone (to me she's forever eating a chocolate bar while she's criticizing me, don't ask).
So I guess what I am saying to you this time is to remember, progress can be slow. It doesn't mean you should give up. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. It just means that everyone is different, and for every stage of your life your body changes. It's not fun and it's not easy, but that's what happens. I'm not going to give up. Notice I didn't say that I'm going to try. I WILL nurse my baby for a full year.and I WILL get my body back. If nursing him means it takes longer to get back in to the best shape of my life, then that is perfectly fine! He's worth it.
I'm working on improving. It's a constant struggle. It's a struggle against the mirror, the kids, and the food. But most surprisingly, it's a struggle against myself, and not like it was before. It's not the struggle to get up and pop in the DVD and start the workout. It's the struggle to realize that progress takes time. It's realizing that while some women lose all of their baby weight and get back in shape three months after their baby arrives, that's not the way I'm built and I'm going to have to work twice as hard and maybe twice as long. I have to remember that I grew a healthy baby for 9 months, and I'm nourishing him with this same body until he is a year old. I have to get enough to eat if I'm going to feed him, too. I will just say now that I AM going to get back to where I was before, and then I'm going to get even better. It's just going to take time. And while I can say that and I know it, I have to just keep reminding myself of why I don't look like the way I want right now. Part of my struggle is telling Inner Voice to shut it and eat her chocolate bar and leave me alone (to me she's forever eating a chocolate bar while she's criticizing me, don't ask).
So I guess what I am saying to you this time is to remember, progress can be slow. It doesn't mean you should give up. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. It just means that everyone is different, and for every stage of your life your body changes. It's not fun and it's not easy, but that's what happens. I'm not going to give up. Notice I didn't say that I'm going to try. I WILL nurse my baby for a full year.and I WILL get my body back. If nursing him means it takes longer to get back in to the best shape of my life, then that is perfectly fine! He's worth it.
